A man walks into a bar but this time it’s no laughing matter…
Is this some kind of joke?
asks the barman.
No, says Paddy Irishman.
Ah, I get it,
says the barman with a wink
as he pulls out a gun.
THIS IS A STICKUP.
That should cure your hiccups.
For God’s sake,
says Paddy Irishman,
sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Can a man not just walk into a bar
and order a bloody drink?
I feel that one aspect of the sacrifice of Isaac has received insufficient attention…
god’s command
a tortured father
an eternal journey
a loyal son
an expectant altar
a readied pyre
a flashing knife
a sudden angel
a last minute reprieve
a father’s relief
an unlucky sheep
This is one of the my first poems to feature on on the BBC World Service, about the BP Deepwater Horizon oil rig disaster in 2010. At the time, the oil spill seemed unstoppable; in the end it took three months to plug it – while BP’s reputation also steadily drained away.
OMG
SOS, SOS
MIA, DOA
AM, FM
CNN, BBC
PR, PR
FAQ, Q&A
OK, OK
FYI, DIY
ASAP, ASAP
AM, PM
AM, PM
WWF
RSPA
RSPB
AM, PM
AM, PM
PR, PR
BS, BS
AM, PM
AM, PM
NB, VIP
CEO, USA
AF1
O
IOU, IOU
SOS, SOS
KO
PS
BP
RIP
This poem was inspired by a Sunday morning UK/US press conference during the Libya uprising in 2011. Below is an audio of the poem as broadcast on the BBC World Service.
We’re the Secretaries for Stating
in our Sunday morning sweaters.
Now, we’re issuing a call
for an orderly transition
to a newly held position:
We no longer back the sinners.
Let us dare to meet the winners.
We’ll send in our foreign legion
but there’ll be misunderstandings.
Hmm, perhaps it would be better
not to travel to the region.
We propose a no-die zone
and a roadmap to restraint.
We do not condone dictators.
Some last minute modulations
to that closely-scripted statement
will be circulated later.
Yes, we’re the pros at promulgating
with our monumental utterings,
our syncopated mutterings,
our calibrated flutterings,
our finely-crafted splutterings,
our tut tut tut tut tutterings.
The kings of indignating.
We’re the Secretaries for Stating.
The following poem was broadcast to mark Pope Benedict’s trip to Britain in 2010, a time when dogmaticism was still a pope’s best friend.
Of all of my poems that went out on the BBC World Service, this one probably garnered the biggest reaction. See some of the comments on the feedback page.
I felt that the poem had to be in “Latin”. I hoped it would be comprehensible, at least to people who, like me, possessed a vague smattering of school Latin. Here’s what I came up with – after much editing down at the behest of the producer. Below you’ll find an audio of a BBC newsreader reading the poem.
Saluto populi.
Orbi et urbi.
Disturbi et perturbi.
Et tu Britannia.
Tua culpa.
Quo vadis?
Ad hoc?
Ad liberalismus?
Ad secularismus?
Ad egalitismus aggressivemus?
Habemus Papam,
Pontifex Maximus,
Capo di Tutti
Cardinales.
Pontifico,
dogmatico
contra homosexualismus
et matrimonia samesexismus,
contra contraceptum
et condominium
in Africanium,
pro status quo.
contra quid pro quo,
pro chastitum
et celibatum.
Et paedophilio?
Mortificato
et discombobulato.
Convocato et censura
in camera obscura.
Et ultimato, declarato:
Anglicanis Prodigalis,
reverto ad Papa,
ad paterfamilias.
Ego Benedict.
Ego veritas.
Papa Benny
est infallibus.
In Judaism, a key Yom Kippur prayer known as “Ashamnu” encourages us to confess to great swathes of sin.
we have slandered
we have robbed
we have bribed
we have wrought wickedness
we have lied
we have provoked
we have trespassed
we have transgressed
we have oppressed
we have rebelled
we have abominated
we have wallowed in evil